


The House Felt So Big

by NoWayToHandleThings



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, But she's having a hard time, Gen, Heidi Hansen Is a Good Mother, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-07 00:46:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14659701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoWayToHandleThings/pseuds/NoWayToHandleThings
Summary: Heidi was tired. She was so fucking tired, and it hurt so much, she just wanted to sleep. God, she wanted to rest, just for a few hours. But every time she closed her eyes she saw Evan lying broken and crumpled in the hospital bed, and when she put everything away there was nothing to think about other than how she'd failed as a mother, so here she was, at three in the morning on her fifth consecutive cup of coffee, googling “cheap caskets” and trying to forget who it was for.





	The House Felt So Big

Heidi was tired. She was so fucking tired, and it hurt so much, she just wanted to sleep. God, she wanted to rest, just for a few hours. But every time she closed her eyes she saw Evan lying broken and crumpled in the hospital bed, and when she put everything away there was nothing to think about other than how she'd failed as a mother, so here she was, at three in the morning on her fifth consecutive cup of coffee, googling “cheap caskets” and trying to forget who it was for. 

 

Maybe it was the time of night, maybe it was the odd feeling of being both buzzed on caffeine and exhausted at the same time, but she decided to do the most stupid thing she could. 

 

_ To: _ _ derekhansen@gmail.com _

_ Subject: hey fuckface _

 

Evan's dead.

 

Heidi Hansen

Sent from my phone

 

And she knew. She  _ knew _ , as soon as she'd sent it that she shouldn't have. Not only because he should have been told in a more gentle way, but because it hurt. Her chest physically hurt because she'd never said it before. Evan was… he was gone. He wasn't coming back, he was dead. He'd just. He'd died.

 

Heidi threw her mug across the room with a shriek. Everything became so real and she just screamed and yelled because how dare he. How dare Evan do this to her. He couldn't just die, he didn't have that right. How could he just leave his mother alone? She couldn't even say any of this to him because he was  _ fucking dead _ ! She wanted to kill him, fucking kill him, but she couldn't because he'd already… he'd… Oh God.

 

His last words still rung in her head. She'd been holding his hand and he looked like he was in such pain and there were tears on both their faces. They were about to take him into surgery, just in case they could do something about his internal bleeding. There wasn't much hope, but there was enough. And Evan looked like a little boy again. Just a kid. And she'd gripped his hand, sobbing, and Evan had just looked so scared. So small and scared. He was just a baby.

 

Evan was weeping and there were so many tears, but he managed to say, “I don't want to die. Please, I don't want to die, I thought I did, I'm sorry, but I don't want to die I don't want to, Mom, please, I'm sorry, I don't want to die.”

 

And like an idiot, like a fucking fool, Heidi had replied, “You aren't gonna die. You hear me? I won't let you.” Like she could do anything about that. And she just kept repeating it, as if saying it again and again would help.

 

Luckily, Evan had seemed to relax, at least a little. A nurse came over and gave Evan the general anaesthetic. As he was falling asleep, he mumbled, “Thanks, Mom.” Then they took his bed into the operating room and all Heidi could do was pray that that wouldn't be the last time she saw her little guy alive. It was all she did until a nurse came over to her with this look on his face.

 

All the nurse had to say was, “Heidi Hansen?” And there was so much pity in his voice, that she'd broken down then and there.

 

Heidi was kneeling in a pile of broken ceramics and cold coffee when the house phone rang. It was still four in the morning, so it probably wasn't a telemarketer, but nobody else called the house phone. Wearily, she picked it up.

 

“Heidi? Is it true?”

 

Derek sounded hoarse. And like he'd been crying. But she couldn't summon any sympathy for him, even though he should have been the one person in the world she  _ could _ sympathise with. “What do you care?”

 

“Oh my god, Heidi, can we just… is our son dead? You can't just send me an email like that at three fucking AM and then act like I don't have the right to care,” he said, and he seemed genuinely upset. It was almost surprising. 

 

And Heidi's heart sank. It felt like her heart had literally sunk down into her stomach and she was crying again. “I. Yeah. Sorry, I'm having a hard time. But he's really, uh. Really gone. Fell out of a tree.”

 

There was a quiet “oh God” on the other end of the line. And then Derek let out this noise. It was a noise of grief and anguish, despair. He started sobbing, and it was incredibly uncomfortable. Heidi hadn't heard him cry before. Not like this. There was a click and then a woman's voice. “Is this Derek's ex? Hi. Michelle. He told me about... I'm so sorry. I know that if we were to lose Scarlett or Allie, I wouldn't be doing so good.”

 

Heidi's breath shook. “Look, you're trying to do a nice thing but I don't need consolation from the woman my son's father left us for. I don't need your help. Just. Put the phone down, okay?” The sympathy in that whore’s voice was starting to grate, because maybe Evan would still be alive if Derek had just stayed around. Shit.

 

Just after opening her mouth, Heidi thought better of it. She didn't need more coddling and as sad as Derek was, he hadn't been here for ten years of his son's life. He didn't deserve to be involved in any of this. He barely deserved to know Evan had… nope. Nope. Nobody needed to be thinking that.

 

In the distance, Heidi heard a little girl's voice asking if Daddy was okay, and whatever affection she had left for Derek shattered into tiny pieces. That girl should have had a chance to meet her brother. There was a lot of crying on the other end, and Heidi was honestly sick of it. She'd spent days crying, and she was supposed to be strong for these people? She'd just gotten past crying, she was done. And however irrational it was, hearing the sound now was incredibly irritating. The hand holding the phone shook, and she had to put it down before she started throwing things again.

 

It was only when she heard her name that she came to again. She picked up the phone and heard just. This broken voice. “Look, I… we don't have much, but I can help you with the funeral. I remember when we buried Michelle's dad. It was rough. So, I'll start driving over there tomorrow and we can make arrangements. But. I need to go now. God, I'm so sorry.” He hung up and Heidi spent she didn't know how long listening to the dial tone, staring off into the distance.

 

“Too little, too late.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I'm the-third-flower-is-yellow on Tumblr if you want to yell at me. If you want to leave a comment or kudos go right ahead, I would really like that.


End file.
